Here I stand, hat in hand

I've been posting a lot lately, mostly because Renata sleeps later than I do so I have the time to. In fact, I didn't intend to post anything this morning, because nothing's really happened since last night that merits blog attention, and I was so tired that I fell asleep on the sofa (I'm supposed to be sleeping there, there's blankets and everything) with all the lights on while everyone else was still eating wine and cheese five feet away from me instead of culturing intellectual, blog-worthy thoughts.

Then I got an email this morning from H. and realized that I never blog about him. Not seriously, anyway. (Hobo/lazy ass polls don't count.) That camera I'm so excited about, for example? Harry's birthday gift to me. How could I have skipped over that?

The fact of the matter is that there's a little filter in my brain as I blog that edits out things that I think people don't want to hear about, or that I don't want to write about. I've never been into writing romance stories or love poems, so I don't write many romantic posts, either. In reality I'm leading a very romantic life, because Harry is amazing. He's always there when I need him, not afraid to apologize, not afraid to say "I love you" in front of anyone, not afraid to send me sweet emails at two or three in the morning. I never doubt that he loves me, and he doesn't doubt that I love him. I don't feel underappreciated or jealous or misunderstood around him, and I hope he doesn't either. I miss him if I don't see him for a day. We're very close and very in love and it's very beautiful.

And that's the type of thing that I don't usually write. Part of the reason that I do this is because I know I'm lucky. It's not that I think I don't deserve him, or vica-versa (sp?): it's just that I know that most high school kids are single, and that they're not really in love with either Harry or me, and that they probably don't want to hear it for reasons connected to both of those facts. I'm a quirk, and I'm lucky, even though I believe that everyone mature enough to handle one deserves a great relationship. And so I filter.

Because of this habit, though, it isn't clear to the readers (haha... I feel like a writer) how close we really are, which is almost unfair. It's unfair to Harry, who doesn't get his share of screen-time, and to the readers, because I've pretty much promised them honesty on my page, and ripping a chunk out of my life and hiding it directly breaches that unspoken promise.

The truth is that most people don't know what our relationship is like, my parents and friends included, because when you see us together, we're still filtering. (Sometimes we don't "filter" enough in front of certain sensitive people; that's a problem, too.) The only people who really understand what's going on between us is us. Sometimes that's the way I want it. But I can't keep clipping articles from the front page before people have a chance to read them. I have to be a bit more honest.

I'm not going to get into details about what goes on behind locked doors and such, because I don't want to write it and you don't want to read it, but I'm definately going to fix my filter so that Harry gets properly acknowledged and so that anyone who reads this gets a better sense of my life.

And Harry, I love you, but don't leave a commment, okay?