I'm an utter hypocrite. I hate when people are condescending to others, but in my head I'm condescending to a lot of people, because I think they're condescending. I hate it when people use their attractiveness to manipulate people or assert their superiority, but I like feeling like people think of me as attractive, even though I neither hint at nor desire romantic or sexual outcomes. I hate it when people get things because they're good-looking, to the extent that I automatically distrust attractive people, but I think it's okay for people to get things for being smart, probably because I'm more confident in my intelligence than in anything else about myself and therefore value it more. I hate it most when people are mean to people who are weak (I don't really do that). I hate people who act like they're great because they have a talent, but I use my self-education as a defense, too, when I feel threatened or inconfident. I use my dress style not just as a means of self-expression but also to boost my own confidence. I read books because I think I ought to have read them and am dissappointed when the classics fail me. I hate people who are obsessive about keeping things, and I give stuff away all the time, but when I think someone's taken something from me without telling me, I get very offended, and when someone returns a book all beat-up and defaced, I get more upset about it than if they didn't return it. I hate my dad's temper but mine's equally short when I'm with my family. I hate my own difficulty in accepting a lot of the decisions I've made. I hate it when guys are sexist, but most of my friends are guys, and when I write fiction, my characters are usually male. I justify this by noting that most of the women I dislike are what Rich called "anti-feminist women," women who compromise their intelligence and personalities to be more feminine by a societal standard, but Rich also said, essentially, that they're pawns in a larger game, and I have to remind myself of that frequently. I hated it when people used their MySpace accounts to brag about the things they thought made them cool, but I've caught myself doing the same thing here.

I think this funk has to do with just having eaten about ten pieces of challah bread with butter and having showered last night instead of this morning. I'm going to take a bath and cheer myself up.