Swlabr
Yesterday I made cookies, biked just about everywhere on the island, made cookies and saw Cream. I even got a pick from the stage manager afterwards. On one side it says CREAM and on the other it says GOODBYE!
It makes me want to cry.
We got home around midnight, but I couldn't sleep at all. I called Harry for five minutes before Renata made me hang up. Finally, around four in the morning, I fell into this wierd state of consciousness where I was awake but highly delusional. My eyes were open, and I kept checking the clock and hoping I'd fall asleep soon, but insane notions seemed real and pheasable. It was also very coherent delusion.
I thought my parents had told me at some earlier point that I wasn't human at all but in fact a robot. They had given birth to Renata and decided that they would make a robot maid to take care of her and accomodate their busy schedules. Halfway through, they realized that the robot would be kind of suspicious-looking and decided to make it another kid. I was bigger so they made me older. I still had robot-like qualities and an irrepressable devotion to my sister, no matter what she did to me.
It made a lot of sense, really. I kept asking very rational questions--"How did you make me look like this?" "Do I have DNA?" "Why didn't you make me work better?"--and was skeptical. But in a strange way, it all made sense. No wonder I'm so uncoordinated. No wonder I don't know how to talk to people. No wonder I'm so attached to Renata. They explained that they had created my DNA by combining theirs and grown skin and facial features in a lab and had it grafted on. They even explained why my hair keeps breaking. The only thing I had going for me was brains, they said, and my intelligence was thwarted by my them, because they had a computer that could control me against my will.
(I don't know what this dream says about me, except "inferiority/intelligence complex" and "opression by parents," but feel free to shrink it.)
I also kept thinking about Harry. First I was just thinking about how much I love him and feeling cozy, but when the robot thing started I began to wonder what he'd think of me if he knew I was a robot, and if he'd still think I was a valid person, or believe in my emotions and my validity as a person. I was pretty upset by the end of it, but my state of consciousness was such that I couldn't recognize that I was upset or sort the rational from the impossible.
This went on for another two hours, leaving me with one hour of sleep, which was cut short when Renata woke up early for StuFac and my mom came over to bug me about my school stuff and bike and the towel hanging on my door and everything else.
I told DaSilva about the conscious-dream while walking up the stairs (although he seemed more interested in my Home Alone t-shirt) and he just laughed and said, "You've gotta stay off of the psychedellics, man," and went to class.
Footnote: Maria Fahey talked about Bob Dylan and the Scorcese documentary in meeting this morning. I LOVE her. It was brilliant and intelligent and insightful and everything.
The other thing I've been thinking about lately is the fact that while I feel rejected by people often, I myself reject people. I've come to believe in a hierarchy that I used to hate and see as false. I don't know why this is. I don't think I'm a very nice person any more. I'm nice to everyone who comes up to me, but I don't reach out to people or smile without provocation or even feel close to almost anyone any more. I piss my teachers off and get irritated and annoyed easily. I used to feel close to a lot of people. I used to smile for no reason. I think I even used to reach out to people.
I miss last year.
It makes me want to cry.
We got home around midnight, but I couldn't sleep at all. I called Harry for five minutes before Renata made me hang up. Finally, around four in the morning, I fell into this wierd state of consciousness where I was awake but highly delusional. My eyes were open, and I kept checking the clock and hoping I'd fall asleep soon, but insane notions seemed real and pheasable. It was also very coherent delusion.
I thought my parents had told me at some earlier point that I wasn't human at all but in fact a robot. They had given birth to Renata and decided that they would make a robot maid to take care of her and accomodate their busy schedules. Halfway through, they realized that the robot would be kind of suspicious-looking and decided to make it another kid. I was bigger so they made me older. I still had robot-like qualities and an irrepressable devotion to my sister, no matter what she did to me.
It made a lot of sense, really. I kept asking very rational questions--"How did you make me look like this?" "Do I have DNA?" "Why didn't you make me work better?"--and was skeptical. But in a strange way, it all made sense. No wonder I'm so uncoordinated. No wonder I don't know how to talk to people. No wonder I'm so attached to Renata. They explained that they had created my DNA by combining theirs and grown skin and facial features in a lab and had it grafted on. They even explained why my hair keeps breaking. The only thing I had going for me was brains, they said, and my intelligence was thwarted by my them, because they had a computer that could control me against my will.
(I don't know what this dream says about me, except "inferiority/intelligence complex" and "opression by parents," but feel free to shrink it.)
I also kept thinking about Harry. First I was just thinking about how much I love him and feeling cozy, but when the robot thing started I began to wonder what he'd think of me if he knew I was a robot, and if he'd still think I was a valid person, or believe in my emotions and my validity as a person. I was pretty upset by the end of it, but my state of consciousness was such that I couldn't recognize that I was upset or sort the rational from the impossible.
This went on for another two hours, leaving me with one hour of sleep, which was cut short when Renata woke up early for StuFac and my mom came over to bug me about my school stuff and bike and the towel hanging on my door and everything else.
I told DaSilva about the conscious-dream while walking up the stairs (although he seemed more interested in my Home Alone t-shirt) and he just laughed and said, "You've gotta stay off of the psychedellics, man," and went to class.
Footnote: Maria Fahey talked about Bob Dylan and the Scorcese documentary in meeting this morning. I LOVE her. It was brilliant and intelligent and insightful and everything.
The other thing I've been thinking about lately is the fact that while I feel rejected by people often, I myself reject people. I've come to believe in a hierarchy that I used to hate and see as false. I don't know why this is. I don't think I'm a very nice person any more. I'm nice to everyone who comes up to me, but I don't reach out to people or smile without provocation or even feel close to almost anyone any more. I piss my teachers off and get irritated and annoyed easily. I used to feel close to a lot of people. I used to smile for no reason. I think I even used to reach out to people.
I miss last year.
posted by VVM at 7:15 AM
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