just like a woman

Edited in: everyone look at Zack's new blog! Blogger is by far a better host than LiveJournal.

I have a lot on my mind right now, foremost of which is my current moody PMSing dissatisfaction with this school, which I find dull. Everyone is caught up in social scenarios and cliques and such, but I just can't get into it, mainly because I don't really care about the characters, so to speak. My remaining friends--the ones that haven't been driven away by the fact that I've kept to myself for the last few weeks--are mildly sexist and don't treat me with respect. I'm younger than them and not a great musician and have been dubbed a hippie, but I know that I'm as intelligent and respect-worthy as any of them. It doesn't bother me all that much, but when I'm in a bad mood, it can get to me.

Sexism is still intrinsic in the foundation of our society. It's milder now and less perceptible, but it affects every woman in the world. I don't want to get into details, because I spent about an hour doing that with my mom last night and I'd feel cramped, but it continues to piss me off.

Another thing that's been bugging me about myself is the fact that I resent sexy and girly women. At this point, it's not jealousy or intimidation. I was thinking about why I do this during Bio and realized that I don't resent attractive women who don't use their sex appeal as a tool to make friends or manipulate people. I hate it when women allow their looks to define them and make no effort to be distinctive. I don't resent beautiful people like Heather Rose or Misa or Jaya or Lauren or Amanda or any of the beautiful people I know (too many to list) who look confident and look like they respect themselves but make their personalities their defining traits. I feel like attractiveness is something we're born with, and we either get lucky or don't; to use a tool we possess through sheer luck to gain leverage over other people in our society is an unfair advantage.

I hate it when I feel like men are only treating me nicely because they find me attractive, or aren't treating me with respect because they don't find me attractive (or know that I'm "taken" and have no intention of leaving my current relationship). It's worse than pity, and I resent it immensely.

I like people who dress distinctively. I know it sounds shallow, but I really believe that the body is a canvas we can use to express ourselves every day. I like people who use their appearance to make clear that they're different from other people. Clichés like the punk image, the hippie-pothead thing, the pretty, normal kid, etc. make me sick. I love it when people have unusual style and unusual ways of wearing normal things. I hate it when people shop at places like Urban Outfitters or H & M or The Family Jewel--stores where you go in with the understanding that by spending a ridiculous amount of money, you will look "cool," no matter how bad your taste. I like it when people are resourceful and use simple pieces to make a clear image.

I hate movies that seem to have no purpose other than to celebrate the attractiveness of the actors. I love it when main characters are unusual looking or even plainly ugly, and I don't mind attractive actors if they're given personalities. I hate it when people go to movies for the sole purpose of gawking at actors.

The same thing goes for personalities, in a way. I hate it when people use their inherent cool-ness and loveableness and charisma to get away with things that other people can't or to get things out of people. I don't care how cool your voice and face and movements and expressions are; if you're an asshole, I'll still resent you.

Those who know me (and there aren't that many any more) already knew all of that--I just felt like clarifying and really stating something true of me. I tend to want to define myself when I'm PMSing.

I also eat a lot of popcorn. And jello.